Marriage: 6 Tips For Staying Connected

By +Jeanne Takenaka @JeanneTakenaka

I sat beside my hubby thirty feet above the ground, a blanket of snow glittering beneath us. As the chairlift moved us upward, I glanced over at the man I’ve shared the last twenty years of my life with. I know him, I love him, but we don’t always have time to connect. When I looked at him, I was convicted by the thought that we hadn’t connected on a soul-level all week.

Yes, there were good reasons, including a three day business trip. But are they good reasons…..really?

The boys are easy for me to connect with. They insert themselves into my days whenever they aren’t at school.  We find reasons to laugh together. At times, our tempers flare with each other. But they like cuddles and hugs and we make time to talk. They share their days with me.

My eyes were opened on this ski trip. I should’ve put the pieces together before this, but I didn’t.

I now understand why it’s easy/comfortable for moms to put their children’s relationships before what should be their most important relationship—with their husbands. Children need us, but they also engage with us and fill us in the process.

The men in the family often work long hard hours, investing themselves into their work. They come home to a whole new set of demands. Most men do their best to be honorable husbands and fathers. To invest themselves into their children. And into their wives. Though this may be harder when they see their wives pouring out energy into the kids and saving none for him.

As wives we’re called to invest in the lives of our children. To train them up, teach them, encourage them, love them well. It’s hardwired into most women to do this, so it’s not pure drudgery.

Okay . . . not most of the time.

But our husbands need just as much, if not more, of us than our children do. They need to know we love them. And one way we show that is by connecting with them.

As wives, we must choose our husbands over our children. To be purposeful in creating connecting times in our marriages. Yes, I’m speaking to myself too. It’s too easy to let this relationship slip. Especially when our interactions with our husbands don’t feel as rewarding as when we share special moments with our kids.

We live in a hurry-up society. We must choose to slow down, to take time and focus all our attention on our men on a regular basis.

Here are a few thoughts for doing this:

1. We must choose. To make connecting time with our husbands possible, we must set aside other things. Maybe turn off the television and sit together on the couch, or do something, together. Say no to your kids for a little while. I promise they won’t turn into teenagers that fast. And, they’ll see you making your husband a priority, which  teaches them far more than our words of instruction ever could.
2. Date our husbands. You heard me. Dating didn’t end when we said, “I do.”  Our relationships grow when we spend time together—just the two of us. And no, you’re not allowed to talk about the kids. Well . . . not much anyway.
3. Put the kids to bed early once a week and have dinner, just the two of us. So we can talk about what’s going on in each other’s lives.
4. Do something with your husband that he loves doing. When I talked with my husband about this “revelation,” he showed me that he felt connected to me when we skied together. You know what? So did I.
5. This may sound crazy. But connect by love language. First, you need to know your spouse’s love language. I’m a words of affirmation gal. My man? He’s an acts of service guy. I feel connected with him when we talk. He feels connected when we’re serving together—at home or elsewhere.
6. Pray together. Daily. Praying together connects us on a spiritual level with our husbands. And it deepens our hearts for each other.

When I realized I was finding it easier to connect with our boys than with my man, I told him we needed a date night. We’ve gotten out of this habit. I’m planning to get us back into it.

What about you? If you’re married, what makes you feel connected with your spouse? If you’re single, how do nurture those relationships that are important to you? What would you add to this list?

***I will not be blogging on Friday this week. I’ll look forward to seeing you back here next Tuesday!***