By Jeanne Takenaka
I walked into church, alone. Hubby waited for a delivery at home. Of course, the only window of time for said delivery was during our worship time at church. So, I got kids to classes and settled in a seat. Alone.
How is it that one can feel so invisible in a house filled with brothers and sisters?
Friends sat nearby with their families. How does a sense of invisibility steal over a person when she is standing before a God who loves her passionately?
The worship time began, our worship leader alone on the stage. His voice and guitar led the congregation in song. I couldn’t get more than a note out—one syllable—without my throat tightening, squeezing out any other worship.
Thoughts in my head told me to run. As soon as service was over, I could dart out rather than be ignored by those I call friends. Why my mind thought they would ignore me . . . it comes from childhood rejections.
Sometimes it’s easier to embrace the lies—because they are so much a part of me—than it is to hope for a truth to be revealed. Fear of disappointment keeps me from embracing the truth God’s been trying to show me. For decades.
Some wounds never quite heal. But they can drive us closer to the Savior when the old familiar ache begins.
After trying to sing a few songs, I gave up. My throat burning from the tears closing it. I sat down to journal my heart onto the page. In the middle of worship.
Deep and high voices rose all around me, carrying me, lifting my heart to the Father.
As I poured emotion onto the page, God reminded me that the lies pinging in my head are from the father of lies. They’d been weaving their way into my peace all morning. In the middle of worship—that time when I could have come into my Father’s presence—I cowered into myself. Fearing that those lies were my truth.
Funny how, when I take time to confess my unbelief to the Lord—to stop trying to hide what the Father already knows—He soothes peace over the rawness scraped open in my heart.
As I poured those words bouncing around my brain onto the lined paper on my lap, God reminded me what truth was. As I choose to set my eyes on Him, then He can restore peace in my heart.
It doesn’t take much to distract me from the truth that God has healed me. That He ministers when the rejection wound rips open.
Sometimes, He waits for me to come to Him, broken, asking Him to draw me onto His lap. It’s after I acknowledge my penchant to give into the lie that He brushes peace into the gaps.
After I journaled those weaknesses onto paper, God filled me with His peace. He reminded me His kids are never truly alone, because He always walks with them.
What about you? When have you felt alone? How do you remind yourself of the truths God’s spoken to you?
Jeanne Takenaka 
First, thanks for the prayers, Jeanne. Need them, as I hit a new high on the 1-10 pain scale today. Racked up what seemed to be a 15 or so. I thought I was going to die.
Going to try to write a response to this post. Please bear with me if it doesn’t completely ‘track’. It’s the best effort I can make now.
This is a very good, and very important post, Jeanne. The sense of isolation that we sometimes get – isolation from grace – is something that secular society encourages in a ‘romantic’ sense.
You can’t have drama without conflict, and what conflict is more pressing than loneliness? Trouble is, the ‘rescue’ generally comes from a human source, be it a Brad Pitt lookalike with smoldering eyes or a wise – and secular – elder (“Mandela”).
I come to loneliness from a different place, and I embrace it. The events of my past are fresh and bright in my heart and memory, and to ‘move on’ and rejoin The World simply breaks faith with those who died while I lived. Yes, I do know the argument that the sacred dead would not want my life to be their memorial, but it’s not realistic. It IS.
There’s another, darker reason. My past defined me in sharp contrasts, and it’s become who I am. Without it – without the memories, the cued responses, and even the flashbacks and nightmares – who am I? I don’t know.
If I were healed in my soul, would I disappear? It;’s an open question.
So I’ll stand with my back to Heaven, facing the darkness with a full heart, safety off.
It’s what I have. And God help me – it’s what I love.
LikeLike
Praying for you, Andrew.
LikeLike
When I first read this, Andrew, it reminded me again of your warrior’s heart. I appreciate the thoughts you’re sharing here. Our past does sand paper us and form us into who we are today. Those life-changing events do change us, as you described. They give us a unique perspective through which we view life. Your past has enabled you to see life in ways most of us will never understand. But, it’s also given you a depth of care for people (and your dog-children 🙂 ) that most don’t take the time to nurture within themselves.
I may never know how to embrace loneliness, but when those times of feeling alone come, I want to look at it with a different perspective than I do now. I may never welcome it, but perhaps I can learn to look to God more quickly to help me through it than I do now. 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I always come away with new ideas after reading your comments. Praying for you today.
LikeLike
Dear Jeanne, thank you for being so honest about this. Sometimes I feel like leaving straight away after church / bible study group / social gathering etc. out of fear of rejection too and would rather “isolate” my self so that I don’t get wounded. It’s true- these things can definitely distract us when instead of focusing on Him, we look inwards.. Thank you for a beautifully written post- great reminder to meditate and think of His Words only and to not let ourselves be deceived! God bless you 🙂
LikeLike
Mel, thanks for stopping by. It’s surprising how that fear of rejection creates isolation. It’s almost a protective measure, isn’t it? I’m learning when I seek isolation, I am trying to cut off rejection before it can happen. The thing is, I also cut off the chance to connect with others. It’s a discipline to lean into the Lord to bring truth back to the forefront of our thoughts. I’m sorry you deal with it too. Yes, thinking on His Words only is the key to getting through those times and not giving into the deceptions.
LikeLike
Great post today.
Andrew, I’m praying for you too.
LikeLike
Thanks, Jackie!
LikeLike
Isn’t it funny? I get that lonely feeling when my husband isn’t beside me at church. Even though I attended for several years before he started coming. Probably a sign my focus needs to shift! Thanks for sharing, Jeanne, this was lovely.
LikeLike
Ouch. You’re right, Sarah. When I’m worried about feeling alone at church, my focus definitely needs to shift. 🙂 I don’t know about you, but I’m often surprised that I struggle with this when I’m going to church of all places. Thanks so much for stopping by! I always appreciate your input!
LikeLike
Oh, good, Jeanne. When we place our identity in others and not in Christ alone …. I know all about that. 🙂 And strangely, I feel it most at church, too … in God’s very House.
LikeLike
You’re right, Shelli. When I struggle with this, I am allowing others to define my identity. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. Thanks for that reminder. It’s another thing I can place in my arsenal to help me stay strong when I’m in a place where I struggle with feeling alone. God shapes my identity. Not what others do/don’t say or do. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
LikeLike
I believe that worship starts with confession. My own. Thats what you were doing when you were journaling? Though our worship begins with a prayer, depending on who is leading the prayer, confession may or may not be part of it. When it isn’t, I feel cheated. And so I generally close my eyes and confess on my own. I say generally, because sometimes I forget, or the worship gets busy and i forget…and those are the times when i don’t “feel” close to God. But that is me, it isn’t God…
Thoughtful and important post.
LikeLike
I think you’re right. We can worship whole-heartedly when our hearts are clear. My biggest confessions that morning were of my unbelief in what God had told me about His view of me. When I journaled, it was that which I confessed. 🙂 I so appreciate your reminder that when my heart is “all ‘fessed up” it’s more free to worship Jesus unhindered. After I spent those moments journaling, I found myself able to worship more freely. I so appreciate your thoughts! Thanks for stopping by!
LikeLike
Wow, Jeanne! You are awesome! You write with such truth and vulnerability! I too was alone at church Sunday, and even sat in the back instead of the front. Worship did not truly touch me. I just waited for church to end. But somehow God touched my heart. I saw a ‘friend’ I could see was suffering, so I went to her and we talked and prayed. My heart opened up in loving another and God entered in.
LikeLike
I am so thankful that when I have trouble reaching out to God, sometimes He’ll reach down to me, lift my chin up and meet me where I am. When I can look beyond myself I find it easier to look to Him and to those around me. Sometimes, it’s getting our eyes off of ourselves and onto others that draws us out of that lonely place and into His presence again. 🙂
I’m glad God enabled you to love on a friend and then helped you feel His presence with you. 🙂
LikeLike
Andrew, I lift you up! Praying for God to remove that awful devil pain. You deserve so much more! Father God, lift Him up in Your hand of love, hug him close to Your heart and let Him feel the great love You have for him! Do not release him until he feeeeels how tenderly You care about him. Surround him in new revelation of You. Remove the enemy’s touch from his body and soothe him. O Lord I know how much You love him!! Please cause him to know it too!
LikeLike
Jeanne, I read this last night and was so overwhelmed with how much I could relate to this battle with the ‘father of lies’ that I could not reply right away. Thank you for sharing your heart and reminding us to bring those loneliness wounds to the ‘God of all Comfort’. You’ve blessed me. If you lived closer I would give you a hug.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
LikeLike
Wendy, thank you for your kind words. I am amazed with how many people can relate to loneliness, and the lies the father of lies whispers into our hearts when we are vulnerable. I’m so thankful our heavenly Father is the God of all Comfort. Thanks for reminding me this is one of His names. 🙂 Since we do live far apart, I’m sending you a cyber (((hug))). Thanks so much for stopping by!
LikeLike
I’ve experienced loneliness, too, at church gatherings. I think you nailed it on the head when you said, “As I choose to set my eyes on Him, then He can restore peace in my heart.” I get lonely when my focus is not on Him! If I look at Him then I won’t be worried if people are rejecting me or not.
LikeLike
You’re right, Jerralea, we must keep our eyes on the Lord to help us through those times of loneliness. You nailed it when you said, “If I look at Him then I won’t be worried if people are rejecting me or not.” I need to remember those words. Thanks for adding to the conversation!
LikeLike